Curiosities of Etiquette (really long post)

Etiquette is a funny thing. It is a set of rules to help society function, and it works well (as long as you apply reason and good sense to it).

Etiquette rules often have opposite expectations for two parties in a relationship. When I started planning the wedding, I bought Emily Post's "Wedding Etiquette" to help me navigate the expectations without causing offense. (Great book, I found it so helpful!) It did cause some friction between Wade and me a couple times when the book clashed with common practice in our social circles.

For example, if a guest is in a relationship (even if you don't know the sigificant other), you are required to invite the date. (That makes sense.) Etiquette also indicates that the host/hostess is not required to offer guests the opportunity to bring a date ("plus one") when the guest is not in a long-term relationship. (I didn't realize that rule.) And Wade wanted to offer all our single friends a "plus one", which would have been nice but it was not practical due to space constraints. We had a very finite capacity for the meal, and we didn't want to over invite (um, awkward if 5 people eat their meal in a different room!) but we wanted to have as many friends as possible. If we invited "Sam + 1", we'd have to wait for the RSVP to find out if Sam is bringing someone or if we have an extra seat. (Of course, boy-friends, girl-friends, spouses, significant others, etc. were all invited even if we didn't know them.)

I think we made the right decision not to invite "plus ones" to those who weren't in a relationship because we ended up being surrounded by entirely friends & family we knew.

Another funny double-rule: the rules of gift expectations. You shouldn't give people "pity invites", nor should you invite people you know can not attend, because it looks like you are just fishing for a gift. As a guest, if you are invited to a wedding, you should get the couple a gift, regardless of if you are attending. According to Emily Post and her niece-in-law, Peggy Post, the gift should be just as good as if you were going to the wedding because the gift is not paying for dinner but is a gift given freely. (Note: I didn't know that part of etiquette until I read it in the book. I suspect most people don't know that etiquette expectation. And I am not offended that most people don't seem to know that, either!)

The curious double-expectation: the couple getting married should invite people they want there, and should not expect a gift from any guest.

I'm okay with that. The way I look at it, we didn't get married to get gifts. And we didn't invite guests to get gifts. We invited our family, friends and our family-friends (some were parent's friends who I didn't know well, but that's fine) to celebrate our wedding. We had about 100 guests for dinner (due to room capacity) and another 20 for the dance reception. And we invited each person because we wanted them to be there. In fact, for the reception invitations, we put "Best Wishes Only" right on the invitation. (I read even putting "best wishes only" is an etiquette faux-pas because that implies we don't want gifts, which is dictating to people what we want for gifts.) I'm comfortble with the decision to put "best wishes only" because we wanted to say to people, "hey, come help us celebrate our wedding" not "hey, we want more gifts".

Over the past 4 days, I have finished all the thank-you notes to the guests who brought us gifts, to the guests who came to the reception only (even if they didn't bring a gift), and to my parent's neighbour (who were not invited, but who gave us a thoughtful gift to wish us well). Most of the guests who came to the reception only brought us a card or a small gift, though some did not bring anything (which was fine with me). I wrote all those guests who were invited to the reception only a thank you note thanking them for helping us to celebrate our wedding, because I truly am thankful that they came (and if they brought a gift, I thanked them for the gift, obviously).

But I have not written thank-you notes for the couple guests who were at the whole day who did not bring a gift. Technically, they have one year to give me the gift. Not to mention, I am not supposed to expect a gift from them, and I don't expect a gift. I won't be offended if I never get a gift.

But I'm torn: do I send a note thanking them for attending (especially since one of them had a role in the wedding)? They deserve a note of thanks for their support. But I might look like I'm fishing for a gift, since they didn't get a gift. I don't need a gift, and I'm not fishing for a gift.

What is the best thing to do? Send a thank-you note for their help and for attending (which did mean a lot to me), or not send anything (so I don't look like I'm fishing for a gift)?

Oh no! The bad dreams are back!

Between 7, 8 months ago and as far as back as a little over a year ago, I would occassionally have bad dreams that I forgot to plan most of the wedding. I knew why I had these dreams: it was just because it wasn't planned yet. It was my "subconscious" worrying about all the planning yet to be done. As I planned more and more, these dreams went away, as I knew they would.

Well, last night, I had the first wedding nightmare in months. I often have nightmares when I'm worried about something or stressed by something. Now, just to clarify, I'm not worried (I'm done planning) and I'm not stressed (um ... because I'm done planning). In fact, I have exactly 3 things left to do: get dog stickers (kind of a long story ... I'll explain later, when I explain the table themes), pick up my dress (10 am tomorrow!) and get tea lights (next time I'm at Michael's or Walmart). That's it. Everything else is done. Done, done, done! Oh yeah, and I have to bake the cake, but that's why I have Friday off from work. (Trust me, I'm not worried about this one. I'm going to bake way more cake than I need, and I have the coolest cake stand ever, homemade by Wade's dad.)

So, what was last night's nightmare about? I forgot to attend the wedding until an hour before hand. Who does that? Apparently, me in my dreams. For some reason, I was in Toronto (a 2 1/2 hour drive west) and the wedding was in Ottawa (a nearly 2 hour drive north east) in one hour! So ... I was going to be very late for my wedding, and I obviously didn't have time to get my hair done or even do my make-up.

I woke up in a sweat. And I reminded myself that I wasn't going to Toronto the day before the wedding, nor is the wedding in Ottawa, so I was not going to miss my wedding! Oh, the emotions of dreams!

Up next:
-Attend my final fitting and pick up dress (tomorrow)
-Attend my bachelorette (tomorrow - it's a mystery road trip - yay!)
-Write thank you notes as gifts arrive. I have been shocked and surprised by how lovely and generous all the early gifts we have received. Writing thank you notes is normally hard to motivate oneself to do, but I have found the opposite. In fact, I find the thank you notes hard because I don't know how to concisely articulate how thankful and how flattered I am by the gifts in such a small amount of space!

I shredded this morning

Because of almost all-week meetings that are starting slightly later than my normal start time, I got up at my normal time and did 30 Day Shred.

I haven't done this video much. I know everyone in blog land seems to love this video. I like it, but don't love it - I haven't done it enough. I hate how hard it is, but love how vitalized I feel after finishing.

I did it this morning because I knew I was going to miss my aerobics class tonight in order to join Wade, his father and his brother in taking out his mother for a birthday dinner. Trust me, I was quite happy to miss aerobics for a good meal! Not to mention, I have aerobics on Mondays and Wednesdays, and pilates on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so there are normally very few weekday evenings that I have "off" to enjoy.

Update

So, several of you have assured me two things.

First - invitations are sent out at 6-8 weeks, not 8 weeks. So I'm fine!

Second - I need to relax. :) Trust me, I'm not panicking. But I am having bad dreams abot it, which is my clue that I'm stressing.

Thanks for the kind and helpful words!

Confession

You've probably noticed I'm organized, have lots of lists, and am clearly a Type A personality (Minus the constant impatience. If I know there could be a delay, I won't be impatient. If I don't know there will be a delay, I will be impatient. Best to tell me we'll be late, then it'll all work out.)

True story: I'm organized because I'm horribly forgetful. So forgetful. I'm a visual person, so I write things down. I leave myself sticky notes. I write out directions to get to a meeting. If it's not written down, it may not get done. I know myself, so I try to prevent failure.

So I'm organized because if I wasn't organized, I probably would be pulling out my hair trying to get things done.

But I have a confession.

I'm starting to fall behind. I have lots of honeymoon planning to do. We've been the flight and a tour, but before and after the tour has yet to be booked.

And the alterations on my dress have been started yet. I haven't even contacted a seamstress.

And the invitations? The invitations should be sent out this week, by all those timelines (remember, it's a June 6th wedding). Yeah, they're not even done yet! Won't be done until next Monday (March 30th). Um ... And I may not be able to pick them up until the week-end of April 5th. You know, the week people should have already received them. (By the way, we need confirmed numbers for the reception meal by May 15th, by the way. So we need to ask people to RSVP by May 4th, so we can call any late RSVPers to find out if they're coming.)

So, although some parts of the wedding are really far ahead - other parts are falling behind.

P.S. # 1 - I hope Wade's not reading this. I really hope not. He'd be ticked off if he knew I was falling behind. He's starting to be a bit of a nag to make sure we wouldn't fall behind. And now we have. I'm going to blame it on his nagging. :)

P.S. # 2 - I'm starting to panic that things are not done, and I just don't feel I have enough time in the day to do that and my little petition for which I'm trying to get electronic and (the harder part) real signatures.

What's in a name? Again

I've talked about how to change your name (here and here) but I didn't talk about what I'm doing.

That's because I don't know! I always assumed I'd hyphenate my name. Yes, that what I'd assumed I would do. I didn't see the point of changing my name. My name is mine. But I also didn't see the point of "refusing" my husband's name. My ultimate would be if he took my last name as a second middle name. But that's not going to happen. Wade is not very traditional about many things - he does our laundry and packs my lunch every day. He will support whatever I do, but he is not adding my last name into his name. (And that's fine with me.)

But it seems like every other blogger posts about how stupid "hyphenating" your name is. They say it means you couldn't decide what you wanted to do, which is not the case with me, and I know I shouldn't be swayed by someone saying this, but I was. (Frankly, in my experience, most women who dislike hyphenation are the same women who always "knew" they would change their name.)

So what to do? I could always embrace the old-fashioned allegedly "Scottish" tradition (I can't find anywhere I can cite, but I'm sure I read that somewhere) ... Scottish women traditionally did not change their name.

What will / did / would you do?

"Ground Control to Major Tom ... "

In five months, we'll be getting married! Where has the last year-and-a-bit gone by since we got engaged? As I pointed out on my birthday last month, the fact that I'm marvelling over the passage of time means I'm an adult.

According to the knot, we have 140 items left to-do, 16 of which are overdue.

Here are my priorities of what to do in January:
-Order invitations
-Order bridesmaid dresses
-Look at tuxedos/suits
-Decide on a florist

So those are my goals for January! I'll keep you posted. I figure, once it's April, we're into crunch-time, so I'd like to have as much as done as possible!

A little perspective?

In case you're feeling the end of Christmas blues (I love Christmas, and am always a little sad when it's over), just remember, it could be worse.

You could have the post-wedding blues, like these girls:
Source: Cyd, via Miss Trini, via Ruby Slippers. It's a popular video.

Are you not laughing at putting things in perspective? Because you should be!

Weight Loss

Google "bride weight loss" and you'll get "about 7,000,000" results. That's a lot of results, many of which are selling weight loss plans. There are websites devoted to weight loss (such as www.fitness-for-brides.com/), webpages of established weight loss websites (such as www.cardiocorebootcamp.ca/page/BridalParty.html), unsafe weight loss techniques (such as http://bridalweightlosscenter.com/), and news articles (such as http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2008/apr/09/fashion.women). Please note, that I am not endorsing these websites. I am just pointing out the varying websites and webpages addressing the goal of bridal weight loss.

The news article includes statistics and reports such as:
-A report in Newsweek indicated that 70% of US women who were engaged were trying to lose more than 20lb in time for their wedding, and of those who were trying to lose weight, more than 20% were taking an approach that the researchers perceived as "extreme", including downing laxatives, vomiting after meals and adopting a new-found smoking habit as a way to stave off hunger pangs;
-A bridal body image survey for a UK wedding magazine indicated that 91% of respondents intend to lose weight for their wedding, as well as rhinoplasty (aka a nose job) (7%), breast enlargements (8%) and breast reductions (5%);
-And anecdotal internet forums in which brides discussed starting a strict diet 18 months before getting married, buying dresses three sizes too small as an incentive and living on 1000 calories a day (half the recommended intake).

That's a little too extreme.

Now, if you are losing weight in a healthy manner (such as through healthy eating and exercise), you can expect to lose up to 2 lbs a week at the absolute most. That's it. One pound is actually more the normal expectation. There are no magic pills that are safe for weight loss: everything out there has side effects.

If your goal is to lose 20 lbs before the wedding, you should have 20 weeks before the wedding. 20 weeks = 5 months.

If your goal is to lose 50 lbs before the wedding, you should have 50 weeks! That's about a year!

Unless, of course, you have dress fittings, which typically are finished 2 to 4 weeks before the wedding. So add 2 or 4 weeks to those numbers. And never buy a dress a size too small. If you don't fit into your dress, you're screwed on your wedding day!

And do you even need to lose weight? Consider that. If you are happy with your weight, or are just interested in toning up, then don't feel pressure to diet.

Go-Go Team Practical (led by Meg)

I love Meg at A Practical Wedding is fantastic. I've said it before when Meg posted on Mmmm.... gender stereotypes.

And now I'm saying it again.

You must go read this post (if you haven't already) on A Practical Wedding: How I Tamed The Registry.

Green weddings

Apparently, it's very "in" right now to have a "green" wedding, meaning a wedding that is environmentally friendly. I've posted on my desire to have an ecologically friendly wedding before.

The trouble is, sometimes there is a competition between what is eco-friendly and what is budget-friendly. I'd love to be completely carbon neutral, including off-setting the carbon used by guests to travel to the wedding, but that could become quite costly. I also want to use silk flowers, to save money and Wade's allergies. However, silk flowers create a non-biodegradable waste that real flowers do not.

Sometimes, being environmentally friendly saves money. For example, driving a fuel efficient vehicle uses less gas, which creates less pollution and costs less to drive. If you turn off the water while your brush your teeth, you save water and money. But sometimes it costs more to be environmentally friendly, such as purchasing carbon credits to offset the carbon (pollution/waste) generated.

So how do I strike the balance between ecological and budgetary concerns?

I will try to coordinate carpooling amongst guests to reduce the number of cars driving between the ceremony site and the reception site. That only costs me time, and saves my guests' money. I will also look into the cost of off-setting the carbon footprint generated by those driving between the ceremony and the reception site. Fortunately, the church requires us to remove the ceremony flowers, so flowers can do double duty at the reception, reducing the flowers used. As I've already discussed, we may be able to take advantage of some local foods and drinks.

How else can we consider the environment in our wedding?

Planning concerns

I want a lovely and elegant wedding. I want family & friends to have a good time and feel as if they participated in something special. I hope that Wade & I can soak in every possible minute of the day.

But I do wonder what some people's budgets are. I know it's incredibly rude to ask, so I don't. But I would like to ask what someone else spent. I know of a friend whose fiancé spent over $6000 on her ring. And they're still in undergrad at universtiy. My tuition for a year in undergrad was about $5000. I can't imagine spending more than a year's tuition on a ring when I was in school. I wonder what they spent on their wedding, with a $6000 ring. Of course, I know better than to ask.

(Editorial note: the cost of a ring is relative to what the groom can afford. I don't subscribe to the "2 months" ideology, but obviously someone making 6 figures would spend more than a student.)

As for our budget, we could probably afford to increase our budget. But we won't. We set our budget based on what we could easily afford and what we were willing to spend. (Of course, we're prepared for a small overrun, but that's smart with any budget.) Why are we only spending what we could easliy afford? We want a good day, a lovely and elegant wedding, and we want family & friends to have a good time. That's it. And I think I can do that with our budget. I also don't want to look back at pictures and think something looked tacky, so I'm willing to splurge on a few things. Sure, something might look outdated, but that's what happens with the passage of time. I don't want the chairs to look tacky, for example, so I'm prepared to rent chair covers. But will I spend thousands of dollars to ensure I have "event quality lighting"? No, of course not.

Trends don't bother me. I don't want to be "trendy", but there are trends I like. For example, cathedral length veils are a current trent. And I happen to love the look of cathedral length veils. That length was not "in" 30 years ago when my parents married, so it is a current trend. That being said, some women wore cathedral length veils when it was not "in". And that's okay, too! Another trend I like: the long white dress. I like this trend, first set by Queen Victoria. Just a few generations ago, the bride wore her best dress. In fact, my Nanny wore a coloured dress when she was married near the start of World War II. Nothing wrong with that! But I want to wear the long white dress.

But here's why I am not worried about trends:

Look at this "dated" wedding. Definitely not "in" now. And look how happy the bride & groom are!
(Source)

One day, our our family will look back at a dated photo like this one, and smile because of how dated it looks:
(Source)

Unfortunately, I do now know either of these lovely couples. I just found them on the internet. Perhaps at some point I'll scan some family wedding photos. But aren't they lovely pictures? And don't these pictures tell a story about those two couple's weddings, despite being "dated" and possibly "trendy" weddings at their time?

Goals for my wedding:

1. Get married (is that an obvious goal?! but let's put things in perspective here)

2. Look good (yep, that's a vain goal, but I'll be having my hair done, I'll be wearing make-up, and I'll be wearing a pretty dress, so it is a goal most brides have)

3. Take some beautiful pictures to commemorate the day

4. Have a meaningful conversation with ALL guests (is that a lofty goal?)

5. Have fun

6. Eat good food

7. Dance

8. Make each guest feel as if they are part of a special day

9. Not get drunk (I want to drink in everything experience-wise that day, and I find my memory is not as acute after a few glasses of wine)

10. Not stress (hopefully by planning in advance, ensuring every vendor, member of the wedding party, and anyone else who needs to know the plan, and then letting go on the day)


Note those goals are not in order of importance, except number 1.


... Is there anything else I should add?

Wedding Thoughts

Why is it that in so many wedding jokes, the bride is roping an unsuspecting, and often unwilling, groom into a life of ... well, as my grade 8 teacher described this bad word, "h - e - double hockey sticks" (imagine the shape of a hockey stick, and you should figure out what that spells).

When I recently did a post on weddings jokes, I sifted through tons of these stereotypical jokes. I tried to mostly stay away from these jokes, because I don't think it's appropriate (even if I did laugh at some of those jokes). I wanted to post jokes that were genuinely funny, not funny at the expense of perpetuating stereotypes that I see as inappropriate. And there were funny jokes that were not at the expense of a stereotype.

Does the groom (who still traditionally proposes) not her to marry him?
Does the groom not indicate his intent and take his vows on his wedding day?

I know they are just jokes, but many jokes have a basis in some people's realities or attitudes. And I don't want to further those attitudes.

That is why I ended the post with a quote from a man who had been married: "Marriage is a lot like the army: everyone complains, but you'd be surprised at the large number that re-enlist." James Garner

Say Yes to the Dress? ... Say whaaaat?

Another guilty pleasure: the show "Say Yes to the Dress" on TLC.

I just watched the most ridiculous episode. One bride brought her parents, her fiancé, and her fiancé's parents. Okay, kinda weird, but to each her own. Her parents were moderately critical, his parents were moderately critical, and he was an absolute jerk.

She wore a trumpet style. He thought it made her butt look big.
She wore a ballgown with ruching. He thought the ruching looked like the gills on a fish.
She wore beads. He thought it was too beaded.
She wore simple. He thought it was too plain.
She wore an A-line. He thought it was too pouffy.
Another A-line. Not pouffy enough.

When the consultant asked what looked good about the second last gown, in front of both their parents, he declared that the only good feature about one dress was that her boobs looked good.

If any man said that in front of my parents, I would be livid. Her parents should have been offended, or at least embarassed. His parents should have been ashamed that their son would say something like that in public.

And how did they react? The mothers both giggled, as if he was a naughty boy. Why do we accept such sexism? Granted, editing can leave out the remainder of conversations preceeding that comment, as well as the conversations that followed. That was, at best, a private comment; but given the audience, it was a sexist comment. He knew he was being filmed for a show.

How do we, as women, tolerate such blatant sexism? I am not about to suggest a feminist tirade on all men all the time, but when someone close to you says something that is inappropriate, please politely and calmly let them know that such comments are inappropriate.

"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil, is for good men to do nothing."
(I realize the irony of using a gender-specific quotation; however, I am comfortable quoting 'men' because at that time it was used to refer to all people.)

Whew!

I was panicking ... I was already worried ... People told me I have tons of time, that I shouldn't worry or panic so early ... I thought I might be going insane ...

It turns out I'm normal (when it comes to wedding planning, anyway).
Click here for proof I'm normal.

If the link doesn't work: enter this website into your browser: http://www.weddingbee.com/2008/09/04/bridesmaid-dresses-wedding/